So…it’s happened. I’ve fought it for so long but…let’s be honest on the path to “old lady-dom” this is just one of the speed bumps along the way. I just didn’t think it would happen this soon.

On Memorial Day we were invited to a swim party. I have bathing suits but none of them fit. Frankly, they didn’t even fit when I first bought them but I thought “I’ll lose weight” and alas….not so much. To make matters worse when you put on bathing suits that are too small, you actually look fatter because your fat just can’t take it and just reaches for any sign of sun it can find and just folds over your panties to catch it’s breath. So I did it….For the first time, I bought a bathing suit that ACTUALLY fits me and doesn’t make me look like sausage. Unfortunately, it has a mommy-skirt attached to it.

Yep…Mommy-skirt. You know the kind that old ladies wear on the beach to hide their butts but leave all to see the varicose veins sticking out. (I don’t have those yet but I’ve got the white out ready to go for when they show up.) It’s a black one-piece with a skirt….I look like one of those ladies that does synchronized swimming. I just need to get that rubber swimming cap and it’s 1960 all over again.

I have anger but it’s okay. I just started screaming “mommy’s got her mom-skirt on, so let’s go to the party” at the top of my lungs. Luckily for me, last week my husband bought me a used mini-van so I got to ride in my mommy-bathing skirt in my mommy-van. Because nothing says “SEXY” like mom skirts and mini-vans.

I guess it’s okay though. I mean my husband has Dad-belly and Dad-head (you know, four hairs left on the top of his head that he tries to tease into looking like eleven). I don’t want him to feel bad having a hot wife with a bikini and a corvette. People would think we were one of those lop-sided couples…. and that he must have money.

I shouldn’t complain though. One day I’ll look back at this body and wonder what I was complaining about. I’ll be 50 and saying “gosh I wish I was 29 again!”. And back off…I know I’m not twenty-nine, but it’s been a tough week. Let a girl live a little.

There are a few moments in your life when you know you are a mom. Today, my son was learning the phases of the moon. I must have explained the rotation of the moon around the earth and how the sun reflects on it to make each shape of the moon a hundred times. We were running around this morning trying to get out of the house when he tracks me down in the shower. Now, I’m used to not having any privacy…most moms are, but I didn’t realize how weird this was into I was about 15 minutes into the conversation.

I was getting frustrated and trying to dry off after my shower when I finally picked up the shampoo and said “DEAN, HERBAL ESSENCES IS THE SUN, THE WATERMELON 2-IN-1 SHAMPOO IS THE MOON AND THE SHOWER HEAD IS THE EARTH”….and I grab the bottles and am rotating the herbal essences around the watermelon while the sun (or showerhead) remains constant. I then explain that as the herbal essences moves around the watermelon 2-in-1 the shadow it creates on the watermelon shampoo changes to people that are on the showerhead!! It made perfect sense!! I actually think he got it and it wasn’t weird at all…. until I realized I was buck naked, holding shampoo and explaining the laws of light, physics and science in my bathroom. In any other scenario I would probably be arrested…but today my naked-ness wasn’t even discussed. We were learning about the moon. And the moon my ass was making didn’t seem to matter.

Today, I am a mom.

I was out shopping today and saw this on a package of underwear. 

It’s FINALLY happened!!! The people that make the underwear are finally listening to the people that wear the underwear. AND Wedgie is a real word!! I just never thought I’d ever see it on the front of an underwear package!

The funny thing is… do you know how many meetings they must have had at the corporate office to use the word “wedgie” on the package? Do you know how many lawyers told them it was a bad idea or how many focus groups had to seriously consider if “wedgie” was offensive? It’s not. But they had meetings. I love that. I wish they would tape those meetings and put those on their underwear websites. I’d watch that.

Wedgie-Free…..an awesome new word! I just wish they would make bras for moms in their 30’s with a bunch of kids that would say “can still get you free beer at the bar”. I’d buy that one.

PS- Looks like we are going to be on the 11:00 o’clock news on Monday, May 18th on NBC 10. I’ll keep you updated!

What is it with life?….Why is it that you clean every part of your house right before the NBC news crew arrives (so that you look like you have a semi-presentable house) just for the dog to throw-up at Dawn Timmeney’s feet right as you sit down for the interview!!! Really?!? The dog couldn’t have picked a different part of the house? She couldn’t have thrown-up right BEFORE they showed up….no, she waited until the camera guy set up the shot….I got mic’d and we literally sat down. Do you know what kind of timing that requires? Do you know how much grass she had to eat in the yard to get that kind of on-demand vomit? Seriously, I think she did it on purpose!!

I wanted to try and act like it wasn’t there or that Bob the cameraman had done it right before I had walked into the room. But Dawn wasn’t buying it. So now, I was forced to clean it up with papertowels, shove it all in an old acme bag and spray Febreze like no tomorrow. And that Febreze smell was not only battling dog throw-up but the 20 scented candles Jimmy made me light around the house to get rid of the wet dog and dirty kid smell around our house.

All in all though…I guess it went well. Between the dog throw up and toilet flushing in the background I’m hoping they got something useful for their segment. Check it out at 11:00 pm either tomorrow (Wednesday) or Thursday night.

So, it’s the day after our big Mother’s Day show and I’m enjoying the day on my deck. The show was a success with over 500 people in attendance! Everyone seemed to have a good time, despite the hottest May weather EVER!!! So sorry for that part…but I hope everyone enjoyed free stuff! The Bayards chocolates and Deluxe bakery brownies looked amazing! Lollypops ice cream was making the best sundaes ever!  The Robin Fillipone Jazz Ensemble was amazing!! The decadent foods from Kuzina by Sofia and Elite Catering were a wonderful addition to the show and the massages from Louis Christian Wayne Robert Salon and Spa were a great way to relax before a night of laughing. (just wish I had gotten one)

And the best part about the evening is that we were able to raise money for Autism. Thank you all so much! Please visit autismspeaks.org for more information about being a part of the autism walk coming up in a few weeks in June! Truly a great cause.

This is the one year anniversary of the One Funny Mother Show so stay tuned for some pictures of this last year’s journey plus some pics and video of this Mother’s Day show!

The best part of today is…. my kids gave me the best mother’s day present ever….. Life is good….

The show is only 3 days away!!! Tickets are going fast so get them today if you haven’t called already. I am pleased to announce the addition of Elite Caterers , Kuzina by Sofia and Deluxe Bakery to our list of sponsors. They will be providing decadent hor d’oeurvres in addition to our wine, ice cream, chocolates and massages!

We are leaving tomorrow for a show in Massachusetts outside of Boston. Should be fun!

No….my son’s butt will not be on the NBC 10! show. But maybe it should be. It’s just that these two things are the excitement of my week.

Dean had a full on breakdown this week because he had a report due on Monday so on Sunday he had sat in Church, then sat at home writing the report, then sat at the movies and apparently when I asked him to practice piano that night…that was it! He lost it. Yep.  He cried hysterical, threw his arms around, rolled around on the floor and muttered something barely audible about how his “butt couldn’t  possibly take anymore sitting” and that it was some kind of torture to expect him to sit any longer. His 9 year old butt cheeks were wiped out! It was as if his butt had expired…like a overripe banana. It had done it’s time for the day and wasn’t going to be any good any longer. It needed to sleep and start over tomorrow.

Now, I’ve had my butt  hurt before but never at the end of my day did I consider a butt massage. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’ve neglected my ass for 30 years. Maybe it wouldn’t sag so much if I had let it rest after 5 pm…..Or maybe he’s just a brat that needed sleep.

Either way…I’m on the NBC 10! Show on Monday at 10 am promoting the show on May 9th at the Scottish Rite Theatre. I should make sure I give my butt plenty of time to get ready. I believe it’s a sit down interview.

Our Mother’s Day show is fast approaching….get your tickets now!!! In addition to a great comedy show about motherhood you will be treated to free wine, chocolates, massages and ice cream by some great local sponsors. The evening will begin with Live Jazz Entertainment by the Robin Filippone Jazz Trio. Check out Robin’s website to hear some clips.
Grab your girlfriends and order your tickets NOW!!!

So this week I get an e-mail saying that I’ve been nominated for the coveted MAC awards from Time Out Magazine. That’s right. It’s the Manhattan Associations of Clubs and Cabarets 2009 picks for outstanding performances in the city. I have been nominated for “Best Female Stand-up”. Click on the link below so you can see I’m not lying. For real….just don’t scroll really far down on the article because then you’ll see there is another category called “Major Female Stand-up”, which I’m not nominated for.  So I’m not major…I’m minor. But I’ll take minor. Heck I’ll take anything at this point. The last time I won something was when I was just at CVS pharmacy and when I rung up I got a free $5 dollar coupon for a future trip. And that was a good day.
Click Here for article

So, a few months ago I was at the Catch a Rising Star in Princeton and met a group of fun people that were celebrating their friend’s 50th birthday party. They wanted to get a picture with me…..but wanted to be shirtless. Don’t ask me why. These are the moments that you realize you are on your way to stardom.  Notice my “don’t touch me” stance!!