Yesterday’s plane ride was so weird. I thought I would need lots of down time to feel rejuvenated but apparently all I need is just one whineless, screamless hour and I’m feel refreshed again. It’s hard to go away. Even after weeks of  listening to “she’s touching me”,  or “Brooke just hit me with her build-a-bear”  or “the dog is trying to eat my complete set of state quarters”…I’m going to miss them.

Of course, on the plane I had to sit next to a 14 year old (okay, barely 21) and her newborn 6 week old baby. 6 WEEKS OLD! Why are you on a plane with a 6 week old? ! Don’t you have better things to do… like keep your child away from nasty airplane germs or kegel exercises?  To make matters worse…the young mom’s ass was about the size of my one thigh. How can you push a baby out of an ass that small?  I swear my kids have to be smarter than hers because mine had so much more brain room to grow in the apparent condo they set up around my ass for 9 months.

Of course, my sarcastic remarks about children were lost on her. She was only 6 weeks in. A Newbie. Filled with love and hope for her baby’s future. She wanted to talk about her baby’s cooing…to which I responded  “just wait til you can’t get that thing to shut up.” She didn’t laugh. I just became the creepy, angry lady sitting next to her on a plane.  But I wanted to explain.

I wanted to tell her that I had reasons for my anger. That kids can wake up at 5:15 am and still  be awake enough to annoy each other as they drop you off at the airport. That, even as you try and hold back tears as you say good-bye to them for the week, they will scream, hit,and punch each other until you have to scream “KNOCK IT OFF… OR MOMMY WILL STAY AWAY FOREVER” . Your beautiful good-bye ruined and replaced by the torturous, but somehow less-tedious, experience of taking off your shoes, being frisked by large manly-women and having your shampoo taken away in the airport security line. Finally…some peace and quiet.

I didn’t tell her because she wouldn’t  believe me anyway. How could her beautiful bundle of love, that now smells like gross airplane air, grow up and be annoying. I didn’t want to ruin anything. It will eventually happen. It always does. God gives us this beautiful time to fall in love with them so that we don’t leave them in the toy department in Target when they annoy us later.

I kept my mouth shut. All is right with the world.

I miss my kids.

Summer is officially over today! It’s labor day and in 14 hours all will be right with the world again. My kids started school last week but they were only half days…which is like “mom fake-out”, they are only gone a few hours. So tomorrow it begins. Buses will come, children will go and mom’s will begin showering regularly again.

Like all good moms preparing for a new school year I bought my kids new sneakers and brand new backpacks. I changed all the sheets and figured out lunch money. Now…… I’m my way to Myrtle Beach, SC for a week long gig at the Comedy Cabana. That’s right…I’m outta here, bitches!!

I have spent all summer with my kids and my niece and nephew. That’s 5 kids EVERY DAY for 76 days (I counted). I have no remorse. I have covered every book in plastic laminate and all the laundry is done. I’ve paid my dues. Good luck suckas…(and by “suckas” I mean my husband Jimmy. And I mean that in the nicest way possible). See ya on Sunday.

The maltese….not considered to be a vicious animal by many but today may change all that. It was a typical day….kids playing outside, toys strew about the house, and a innocent barbie laying out in the foyer bathing in the sun streaming through the front door. All seemed fine until, suddenly…and without provocation the dollar-store barbie was attacked.

By the time I had stumbled onto the gruesome scene it was too late. She had already lost a limb and he was showing no sign of remorse.

Of course, no one had seen anything. There were no witnesses willing to step forward. So he walked with her lifeless leg in hand (or mouth,… whatever)

A lesson was learned here today. When a new dog is in town no one is safe….especially if they are cute.  But that’s how it’s always been…

I was out shopping today and saw this on a package of underwear. 

It’s FINALLY happened!!! The people that make the underwear are finally listening to the people that wear the underwear. AND Wedgie is a real word!! I just never thought I’d ever see it on the front of an underwear package!

The funny thing is… do you know how many meetings they must have had at the corporate office to use the word “wedgie” on the package? Do you know how many lawyers told them it was a bad idea or how many focus groups had to seriously consider if “wedgie” was offensive? It’s not. But they had meetings. I love that. I wish they would tape those meetings and put those on their underwear websites. I’d watch that.

Wedgie-Free…..an awesome new word! I just wish they would make bras for moms in their 30’s with a bunch of kids that would say “can still get you free beer at the bar”. I’d buy that one.

PS- Looks like we are going to be on the 11:00 o’clock news on Monday, May 18th on NBC 10. I’ll keep you updated!