I’ll be hosting After Hours again Nov. 4 from 7 - 11 pm on NJ 101.5 FM. So, keep listening for all the crazies.

I’ll be on NBC 10 tomorrow morning talking about some Halloween disasters from my past. Stay tuned for some interesting pics. My husband must really love me!!

I’ll be leaving to do a One Funny Mother :I’m Not Crazy!! show in Napa, Ca. on Nov 5 for the Manic Mommies. Wish me luck. We are heading down to Los Angeles  afterward for auditions  at some clubs. I’m sure I’ll have some great pics to share when I get back.

BIG NEWS!!! We have just signed contracts to do a run of “One Funny Mother:I’m Not Crazy!!” at the Walnut Street Theatre in February. Seating is limited. If you would like to order tickets or get information on fundraisers call our offices at 856-219-3366 asap.

Dear Diary,

How many times do I have to listen to my husband tell me how tired he is after a crazy night of watching poker and playing “call of duty” on the wii? I’m up folding laundry, signing homework and returning e-mails all night and in the morning I get to listen to him complain about how tired HE is.  Does he not understand that running through a fake field of soldiers with a machine gun or oozie is not “real” exercise? That he can go to bed at a reasonable hour without the fear of being branded a “deserter” because he left a man-down on the battlefield.

I’m sure his fake cartoon soldier friends will understand.  Although….I’m just waiting for him to tell me he’s taking a day off because he might be suffering from wii “post traumatic stress disorder”. Then I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to punch him in the face.

Yesterday’s plane ride was so weird. I thought I would need lots of down time to feel rejuvenated but apparently all I need is just one whineless, screamless hour and I’m feel refreshed again. It’s hard to go away. Even after weeks of  listening to “she’s touching me”,  or “Brooke just hit me with her build-a-bear”  or “the dog is trying to eat my complete set of state quarters”…I’m going to miss them.

Of course, on the plane I had to sit next to a 14 year old (okay, barely 21) and her newborn 6 week old baby. 6 WEEKS OLD! Why are you on a plane with a 6 week old? ! Don’t you have better things to do… like keep your child away from nasty airplane germs or kegel exercises?  To make matters worse…the young mom’s ass was about the size of my one thigh. How can you push a baby out of an ass that small?  I swear my kids have to be smarter than hers because mine had so much more brain room to grow in the apparent condo they set up around my ass for 9 months.

Of course, my sarcastic remarks about children were lost on her. She was only 6 weeks in. A Newbie. Filled with love and hope for her baby’s future. She wanted to talk about her baby’s cooing…to which I responded  “just wait til you can’t get that thing to shut up.” She didn’t laugh. I just became the creepy, angry lady sitting next to her on a plane.  But I wanted to explain.

I wanted to tell her that I had reasons for my anger. That kids can wake up at 5:15 am and still  be awake enough to annoy each other as they drop you off at the airport. That, even as you try and hold back tears as you say good-bye to them for the week, they will scream, hit,and punch each other until you have to scream “KNOCK IT OFF… OR MOMMY WILL STAY AWAY FOREVER” . Your beautiful good-bye ruined and replaced by the torturous, but somehow less-tedious, experience of taking off your shoes, being frisked by large manly-women and having your shampoo taken away in the airport security line. Finally…some peace and quiet.

I didn’t tell her because she wouldn’t  believe me anyway. How could her beautiful bundle of love, that now smells like gross airplane air, grow up and be annoying. I didn’t want to ruin anything. It will eventually happen. It always does. God gives us this beautiful time to fall in love with them so that we don’t leave them in the toy department in Target when they annoy us later.

I kept my mouth shut. All is right with the world.

I miss my kids.

The show is only 3 days away!!! Tickets are going fast so get them today if you haven’t called already. I am pleased to announce the addition of Elite Caterers , Kuzina by Sofia and Deluxe Bakery to our list of sponsors. They will be providing decadent hor d’oeurvres in addition to our wine, ice cream, chocolates and massages!

We are leaving tomorrow for a show in Massachusetts outside of Boston. Should be fun!

Our Mother’s Day show is fast approaching….get your tickets now!!! In addition to a great comedy show about motherhood you will be treated to free wine, chocolates, massages and ice cream by some great local sponsors. The evening will begin with Live Jazz Entertainment by the Robin Filippone Jazz Trio. Check out Robin’s website to hear some clips.
Grab your girlfriends and order your tickets NOW!!!

So, a few months ago I was at the Catch a Rising Star in Princeton and met a group of fun people that were celebrating their friend’s 50th birthday party. They wanted to get a picture with me…..but wanted to be shirtless. Don’t ask me why. These are the moments that you realize you are on your way to stardom.  Notice my “don’t touch me” stance!!

Stay tuned to the website for more information regarding the Mother’s Day show, May 9th at 8 pm at the Scottish Rite Theater in Collingwood, NJ. This year we have added a cocktail party catering to all your favorite indulgences. We are still adding sponsors to this show but plan on being served ice cream by”Lollipops” and chocolates while listening to some great jazz and enjoying a relaxing massage- All free when you buy a ticket to the show! This is the best show ever!!!

So come out and enjoy a great mom’s night out with your husband or girlfriends. The best part is that while your having a great time laughing, eating and drinking we will also be raising money for Autism Speaks. So tell your friends and start making plans now. Tickets should be available tomorrow by calling 856-858-1000 or ticketmaster.com. Groups of 12 or more will get a discount.

Hope to see you there!

So, this is Coco…the new addition to our family. My mom is still pretending she doesn’t like him but how can you NOT like him. Already this dog has given me some great ideas and inspiration.

We went to get a crate for him the other day and the kids found this new way to entertain themselves. It’s genius….GENIUS, I tell you!!

Calm down…it’s a dog. That’s right. I don’t have enough to worry about with 3 kids and 1 hairy german shepard. We are getting another dog this weekend. My mom said “Don’t look at me. I’m not helping with that dog. You’re on your own. ” I said “mom, I’m pregnant. Would you say the same thing if I were pregnant?  Would you say… I’m not taking care of that baby?” She said “yes, I would.” So, now I just want to get pregnant just for spite…to see what she would do. That’s right a spite baby!! Why not? I already have a couple of “I drank too much babies”….why not a spite baby.

These are the days I know something is wrong with me.

My husband stayed home during the last snow storm so were all enjoying the day together. Unfortunately, my husband was a wreck and unable to function because of the unrelenting screams coming from the basement where the kids were playing. He went to the basement to investigate and found that the kids had locked the basement door which threw him into a rage.  They heard about it and then lucky me …..I did too.

He came upstairs to my office and asked me  if I knew that the kids had locked the door. “ummm, no.” I said, still working. “Don’t you care?”, he replied, because he always has to act like he is somehow saving them and that my lack of interest in the door was somehow putting them in mortal danger.

Why wasn’t I upset about the door?… because I have acquired the ability to be able to tell exactly what is going on downstairs just by the sounds that emulate up from the floor. The loud bang….that’s basketball. The wild screaming….annoying, but harmless and the thump, thump, thump…that’s the lid of the dress up box that has been taken off and used as a slide down the stairs- which is not allowed and because of the amount of previous injuries they’ve had doesn’t happen very often.

I tried to explain these sounds and how I can tell which sounds are bad. He doesn’t believe me and goes into a rampage about how the kids were throwing mini-pool table balls around the room and that they could probably knock each other out and THEN WHAT WOULD I DO?   I guess I just figured that if one kid  knocked-out another I would still have two  conscience kids left to unlock the door. That’s simple math. But not to Jimmy. He said “What if they were all knocked out?”. The time it would take me to unlock the the basement door would be the difference between life and death.

Really? That was it. I couldn’t take it. Like I don’t have enough to worry about. Now, I have to worry about whether all three of my kids could possibly knock each other out SIMULTANIOUSLY with pool-balls rendering them all unconscious. Is that even possible? Frankly, I’d like to see it. All three kids with great shots. I don’t think that adults could even do that. Do realize the precision involved in an act like that? That’s all I can think about.

Seriously, I’ve got enough problems. Normal worries like kids running into the street or playing with fire. I don’t need anymore anxiety. Leave me and the chaotic sounds of my home alone. I know the good sounds and the bad sounds…. And now, thanks to Jimmy, I’ve got to add “clock-clock-clock and then silence” to my list of bad sounds.