I’ll be hosting After Hours again Nov. 4 from 7 - 11 pm on NJ 101.5 FM. So, keep listening for all the crazies.

I’ll be on NBC 10 tomorrow morning talking about some Halloween disasters from my past. Stay tuned for some interesting pics. My husband must really love me!!

I’ll be leaving to do a One Funny Mother :I’m Not Crazy!! show in Napa, Ca. on Nov 5 for the Manic Mommies. Wish me luck. We are heading down to Los Angeles  afterward for auditions  at some clubs. I’m sure I’ll have some great pics to share when I get back.

BIG NEWS!!! We have just signed contracts to do a run of “One Funny Mother:I’m Not Crazy!!” at the Walnut Street Theatre in February. Seating is limited. If you would like to order tickets or get information on fundraisers call our offices at 856-219-3366 asap.

Dear Diary,

How many times do I have to listen to my husband tell me how tired he is after a crazy night of watching poker and playing “call of duty” on the wii? I’m up folding laundry, signing homework and returning e-mails all night and in the morning I get to listen to him complain about how tired HE is.  Does he not understand that running through a fake field of soldiers with a machine gun or oozie is not “real” exercise? That he can go to bed at a reasonable hour without the fear of being branded a “deserter” because he left a man-down on the battlefield.

I’m sure his fake cartoon soldier friends will understand.  Although….I’m just waiting for him to tell me he’s taking a day off because he might be suffering from wii “post traumatic stress disorder”. Then I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to punch him in the face.

It’s great when you see great ideas being stolen and re-marketed. This is the south’s version of the Cold Stone Creamery. Somehow the ice cream doesn’t sound as good…

I love show business. Just when you think you’ve made it….you see this.

Okay, I’m good. it’s day three and I’ve done just about all the relaxing I could possibly do. My body clock has been set to “mom time” for so long that the thought of laying around for another 5 days is killing me.  It’s one of those moments that you realize that moms are like the army…”we do more before 9 am than most people do all day”.  Or in my case all week in myrtle beach.  I should be enjoying this. I have for the first 3 days but I can feel myself starting to lose it.

Luckily, I’m working with a great comic this week named Marc Riccadonna   ( www.markriccadonna.com)  whose been gracious enough to put up with my “mom tendancies”.  Yesterday, we went to get some lunch at this buffet place.  We each went to make our plates and, out of habit, by the time he had gotten back to the table I had folded some napkins into a placemat and neatly placed his silverware , minus a knife because those can be dangerous, on a napkin in front of his chair.  I was all set to cut up his steak and separate the applesauce and the carrots on his plate in case they touched, rendering them un-eatable…that compulsive act thrust upon me by my 5 year old. He kindly declined my help but I knew at that point, I was done. I can’t lead this double life any longer. My mom-isms are slowly start to creep back in.

Jim called this morning and, so far, one kid has a fever and tonight is back-to-school night… so he is in the throws of it all, probably looking for any signs of a break he can get….that is, unfortunately, not coming any time soon.  We’ll survive though. I’m sure this time away is good for us both. I will go home rejuvenated and ready for the onslaught of dirty laundry I have to catch up with and Jim will love my more than ever.

I’ll be okay though. I’ll read some more books and take some more naps. I’m just afraid that it’s going to just get worse for me and the other comic.  I’ve already picked out his outfit for tonight’s show and I hope he likes the flash cards I made to review his “times tables”.

Yesterday’s plane ride was so weird. I thought I would need lots of down time to feel rejuvenated but apparently all I need is just one whineless, screamless hour and I’m feel refreshed again. It’s hard to go away. Even after weeks of  listening to “she’s touching me”,  or “Brooke just hit me with her build-a-bear”  or “the dog is trying to eat my complete set of state quarters”…I’m going to miss them.

Of course, on the plane I had to sit next to a 14 year old (okay, barely 21) and her newborn 6 week old baby. 6 WEEKS OLD! Why are you on a plane with a 6 week old? ! Don’t you have better things to do… like keep your child away from nasty airplane germs or kegel exercises?  To make matters worse…the young mom’s ass was about the size of my one thigh. How can you push a baby out of an ass that small?  I swear my kids have to be smarter than hers because mine had so much more brain room to grow in the apparent condo they set up around my ass for 9 months.

Of course, my sarcastic remarks about children were lost on her. She was only 6 weeks in. A Newbie. Filled with love and hope for her baby’s future. She wanted to talk about her baby’s cooing…to which I responded  “just wait til you can’t get that thing to shut up.” She didn’t laugh. I just became the creepy, angry lady sitting next to her on a plane.  But I wanted to explain.

I wanted to tell her that I had reasons for my anger. That kids can wake up at 5:15 am and still  be awake enough to annoy each other as they drop you off at the airport. That, even as you try and hold back tears as you say good-bye to them for the week, they will scream, hit,and punch each other until you have to scream “KNOCK IT OFF… OR MOMMY WILL STAY AWAY FOREVER” . Your beautiful good-bye ruined and replaced by the torturous, but somehow less-tedious, experience of taking off your shoes, being frisked by large manly-women and having your shampoo taken away in the airport security line. Finally…some peace and quiet.

I didn’t tell her because she wouldn’t  believe me anyway. How could her beautiful bundle of love, that now smells like gross airplane air, grow up and be annoying. I didn’t want to ruin anything. It will eventually happen. It always does. God gives us this beautiful time to fall in love with them so that we don’t leave them in the toy department in Target when they annoy us later.

I kept my mouth shut. All is right with the world.

I miss my kids.

Summer is officially over today! It’s labor day and in 14 hours all will be right with the world again. My kids started school last week but they were only half days…which is like “mom fake-out”, they are only gone a few hours. So tomorrow it begins. Buses will come, children will go and mom’s will begin showering regularly again.

Like all good moms preparing for a new school year I bought my kids new sneakers and brand new backpacks. I changed all the sheets and figured out lunch money. Now…… I’m my way to Myrtle Beach, SC for a week long gig at the Comedy Cabana. That’s right…I’m outta here, bitches!!

I have spent all summer with my kids and my niece and nephew. That’s 5 kids EVERY DAY for 76 days (I counted). I have no remorse. I have covered every book in plastic laminate and all the laundry is done. I’ve paid my dues. Good luck suckas…(and by “suckas” I mean my husband Jimmy. And I mean that in the nicest way possible). See ya on Sunday.

Why are guys so different than us….thirty years on this planet and I still have no idea why. What I do know is that they just don’t care about the same things as we do. Yesterday we went on my son’s 3rd grade class trip to Historic Philadelphia. All the parents were asked to bring a bag to carry the kids lunches in…I had a backpack. Here is what one Dad brought to carry the kids lunches in….I think he had more than just sandwiches in it. (it’s a Coors Light bag)

and of course, kids need to constantly be learning. Good thing one dad remembered his special shirt. 

The maltese….not considered to be a vicious animal by many but today may change all that. It was a typical day….kids playing outside, toys strew about the house, and a innocent barbie laying out in the foyer bathing in the sun streaming through the front door. All seemed fine until, suddenly…and without provocation the dollar-store barbie was attacked.

By the time I had stumbled onto the gruesome scene it was too late. She had already lost a limb and he was showing no sign of remorse.

Of course, no one had seen anything. There were no witnesses willing to step forward. So he walked with her lifeless leg in hand (or mouth,… whatever)

A lesson was learned here today. When a new dog is in town no one is safe….especially if they are cute.  But that’s how it’s always been…

Summer is coming…trying to eat rice cakes to stop me from eating all the m & m’s I’ve ever wanted. Is it wrong to eat an entire bag of rice cakes? Did you know that when you tip the bag over to dump all the small pieces into your mouth that ranch-flavored rice dust falls in your eyes and really hurts?
So if you see me in public and I’ve got rice cake remnants in my eye-lashes…just keep on walking. I don’t need any comments from you….I’m starving, I can’t see and I haven’t pooped in a week from all the rice.